I cancelled 40 concerts last week: What happened?

Dear friends,

Right now I am in the hospital. The cancer is back. After some really tense weeks I was diagnosed again with lymphoma, cancer of the lymphatic system. This is relatively favorable. My chances for the first time in 2015 were 90%. For the remaining 10% they are 70%-80% after a relapse.

D,

At the time I am writing this I am in the oncology section of the OLVG West Hospital in Amsterdam West for four days to give me immuno- and chemotherapy. The first time, in 2015, I never thought about being part of the 10% that has a relapse. I saw the cancer as a sort of super flue, with a compulsory sabbatical. I turned the situation around in my head and made it into something positive. A chance to purge myself. And that is what I did. I thought a lot about the stuff I did. I made choices and tried to go on in a different way. The coming year reflected these choices. I had concerts with my good friends Rembrandt Frerichs, The Four Baritones, Ernst Daniel Smid, Remy van Kesteren, Martin Fondse, and much more!
I have the biggest class at the conservatory in Tilburg I have had since I started, with really good musicians from all over the world. I was looking forward to working with them so much. Luckily I found an excellent substitute, Juani Palop.

But during summer holiday I found a bump on my chest. After some tense weeks it turned out to Hodgkin's disease again. Which was relatively good news. The old cancer could also have developed into a less favorably form of for example non-Hodgkin.

Of course it is a big disappointment. I can hardly start to describe what I and my family and friends feel at this time. I will get three times three weeks of chemo- and immunotherapy, of which the first four days I will be hospitalized. Then, if all goes well, in the second half of November I will get a stem cell transplant. They will give me back my own stem cells that they will harvest after the second chemotherapy. If there are no complications I will be done before Christmas. Then recovery. And trying to get back in the game.

I will keep playing the sax during the therapy, like last time. And again I will be on the look out for stuff that I like to play even more. But this time I can't attach a reason to all of this, yet. I will keep you posted.

Thanks and stay safe, Ties

The urge to create

If I want to get anything from this period, besides my health, it is to be able, to not be embarrassed about and to take the time to create. To make something out of nothing. 

When we go to school the system takes away developing creativity and further in kids. It is all, putting it very black and white, about analysis, about using existing systems to come to certain and especially planned result. 

I remember my first poetry class when I was 12. The teacher asked what we thought a certain poem was about. I was fascinated by the text and gave an answer. I can't remember what I said or which poem it was, but I did remember the answer: 'No, that is not correct'. Someone else gave the 'correct' answer. 

The rest of my high school followed this path more or less. And even after 10th grade my Greek teacher tried to stimulate me to spend less time on my horn and music and more time on school. How wrong could he have been!

It would all have been bearable if our creativity was stimulated somehow. I can remember one project which we were all very excited about. A physics project that we had to come up with ourselves and work our on our own. 

But that was it. 

Also on the conservatory I missed basis classes to create something. And I always defended this: classical music is creative. We have to think of programmes, phrase, come up with a tempo, etcetera! But in the end we play notes by other people. Which is great , don't get me wrong. There's great music written which I love to play. But I miss that nobody showed me how to make things. Really whatever. To write this blog is something already. But how great would it have been if someone would showed how to come up with subjects, and how to construct a text? I am finding out now as I write. And that works too. Like the old jazz players, who learned to play by doing it, playing sessions, imitating records. Sure, that works too. But if your calling is not strong enough you're stuck reproducing. And I think everyone should know what it is to create something, from nothing. 

Martijn's suggestions during our class

Today I had my first composition class from Martijn padding. It was a revelation. I prepared something for him. A sort of minimalistic modal piece for solo instrument. The first step was to overcome embarrassment. I played so many good notes in my career that after every two notes I judge them: I have heard this before and better. But I did passed this. I think because of photography. I learned to separate the creation flow from the analysis flow. Like practicing, playing and trying to analyze what could be better. 

I sat down at the piano and started playing notes and writing down what I thought sounded good. I did get stuck often. But I just tried to go on. And out came some ideas for my composition class which we used and discussed. I now have a starting point for something new. I am not sure how I will develop this. And that's fine. Even if it won't evolve into a piece it's all good. I spend some hours into making something. And that's what it's about for now. 

Cancer, really?!

In the hospital taxi on my way to the VU Medical Center for the third day of chemotherapy in the second cycle. 

Each cycle lasts three weeks. I started 24 August. In July I was in Mexico to visit my father in law with our family. I got a massive on pain on my chest there and went to the doctor. She had a ultra sound done which showed some swellings in my chest and under my armpits.

This is the advice the radiologist have after the ultra sound. Of course I was immediately alarmed. We all were. But the vacation was good in the end. 

When we came back my Gp send me with urgency to the Lucas Andreas hospital where I had to stay for some days. After several punctions that were not succesful they removed one of my glands. It could still be an infection. But in retrospect I think if they had to put money on it, they would root for cancer. After about two weeks the word was out: lymph node cancer. They told me that it was relatively good news. This is the 'best' type of cancer you can get. And they were afraid for methastized muscle or thymus cancer. That would have been very bad.

After one week more they told me it was Hodgkin's disease. From all lymph node cancers the 'best' type you can get. With a heavy chemo (beacopp escalated) there is a 90% chance of getting better. 

I like to think that my chances are even better because I am relatively young, have good blood values, am relatively fit and do not have diabetes or anything. 

In the end, well fuck, I got cancer... Shit.... On good days I try to see as a sabbatical. On bad days I try to get past the days, hours. 

I'll be back. Better than before.

More later.