zaterdag 19 september 2015

It's not a fight

I have been getting chemo therapy for five weeks now. And I'll tell you: it's not a fight. It's not something I can beat. It's something that happened to me. For no apparent reason. I live quite healthy. And moreover, this type of cancer is not caused by anything I could have prevented. 

Other than that I am trying to find several things in my life:
Routine (getting up, breakfast, etc)
Sports (to keep my muscles in shape)
Play sax (to monitor my nerves that might be damaged due to one of the medicines)
Pass time (series, movies, books)
Tranquility (meditation, mindfulness)
Substance (photography, documentaries, composing)

But the priority goes to things that I need to survive. 

I am sitting this one out. Getting through my days. Making walks, watching series. Maybe starting some composing. Making photos. Sleeping, trying to get over my nausea. Rides and walks to the hospital. And trying to remain as healthy as I can. The medicines are starting to take effect. My muscles are getting less, concentration, tiredness. At the end it will be the worst. And again, there's nothing I can do. There are cancer patients who gave up and came back, there are the ones that were really fighting and didn't make it.... It's all luck. It's shitty. It's teaching me to let go more. That's what I'm hoping to get out of this. 

When I feel well I love my time with no deadlines with my partner and the kids. That's my greatest enjoyment.

Here's a photograph I made yesterday. A still life:

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