dinsdag 22 september 2015

Substance and tranquility vs or and entertainment?

I gave myself off for some weeks, off from everything. I gave myself permission to do or not do everything I want. Well, of course I am there for my family when I can, but other than that I did whatever I wanted. I did not play the sax for two weeks. Until my onco-physiotherapist said I should practice my  fine motorics to handle the neuropathy that might be a side-effect of on of the chemo medicins. I am doing etudes, scales every day now, well I try to... It feels like meditation. But it's hard to not always feel I need input, entertainment, music, series, radio, books. To sometimes let go...

This is one of the nurses putting a needle for an infusion in my arm. They don't always hit it the first time. Like last week when my veins were protesting...

Last week I noticed I needed something more. Substance and tranquility. I started meditating again yesterday. With the help of some mp3's. My onco-psychologist gave me some apps and audio to help me.

It feels good to have the time to let these needs seep in. To not always feel obliged to do something that's 'good' for me. After watching all of 'Breaking Bad' in three weeks, starting 'Fargo', a few seasons of ''Modern Family' I started watching documentaries, more public broadcasting, it came by itself. But now I need more. I started this blog, to create something. To publish some photos. I am starting small. Let's see what will follow.

I am thinking about composing, have a new ensemble in mind and I'm doing photography.

Even before I got cancer I felt the need to create something more than before. This might be my chance to start something, with music. I started with photography some years ago and I am expanding. At the conservatory I feel I missed this. To not have created something, to not having learned the tools to make something myself. Even at high school. School in Holland is practical, you're preparing for something that is set-up. Even at the conservatory, although it's more free there. But still, to create something from nothing is magical. Like this blog. Or the picture below. I remember when I took it, right before a concert. I didn't realize it would be something, but it turned out to be this. I love it.

Thanks Wouter de moor for posting this quote on FB in reaction to this post:

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