I won the main prize at the Fotogram competition!

My photography professor gave me a heads up that she wanted me present at the award ceremony of the Fotogram competition (http://www.fotogram.nl/fotogram-prijs/nominaties-fotogram-prijs-2015/)

I told her that I couldn't be there because of my resistance. The chemo therapy I am getting now kills my resistance to virus's and bacterias. I can't be in confined spaced with a lot of people. So my parents picked up the prize. They just called me: the main prize. I can't believe it!

These are some of the pictures I won with:

It made me kind of emotional to be honest. I am making photos since 2011 now and have developed quite a portfolio in the last years. I won something before but this is much bigger. When I started I loved to make something out of nothing. A thing that I have always missed in my musical practice. I made the promise to make photos for myself i the first place. But you know, it's tempting to enter a competition and have your work compared to others. Something I have done many times with my music. And of course one can ask what the extra worth is of having your work compared to others, especially when one makes it just for oneself... But still, couldn't be prouder! I am making something out of nothing and there are at least some people that like it, see something in it....

I would have loved to be there, but my main focus is my health....

It's not a fight

I have been getting chemo therapy for five weeks now. And I'll tell you: it's not a fight. It's not something I can beat. It's something that happened to me. For no apparent reason. I live quite healthy. And moreover, this type of cancer is not caused by anything I could have prevented. 

Other than that I am trying to find several things in my life:

Routine (getting up, breakfast, etc)

Sports (to keep my muscles in shape)

Play sax (to monitor my nerves that might be damaged due to one of the medicines)

Pass time (series, movies, books)

Tranquility (meditation, mindfulness)

Substance (photography, documentaries, composing)

But the priority goes to things that I need to survive. 

I am sitting this one out. Getting through my days. Making walks, watching series. Maybe starting some composing. Making photos. Sleeping, trying to get over my nausea. Rides and walks to the hospital. And trying to remain as healthy as I can. The medicines are starting to take effect. My muscles are getting less, concentration, tiredness. At the end it will be the worst. And again, there's nothing I can do. There are cancer patients who gave up and came back, there are the ones that were really fighting and didn't make it.... It's all luck. It's shitty. It's teaching me to let go more. That's what I'm hoping to get out of this. 

When I feel well I love my time with no deadlines with my partner and the kids. That's my greatest enjoyment.

Here's a photograph I made yesterday. A still life:

Cancer, really?!

In the hospital taxi on my way to the VU Medical Center for the third day of chemotherapy in the second cycle. 

Each cycle lasts three weeks. I started 24 August. In July I was in Mexico to visit my father in law with our family. I got a massive on pain on my chest there and went to the doctor. She had a ultra sound done which showed some swellings in my chest and under my armpits.

This is the advice the radiologist have after the ultra sound. Of course I was immediately alarmed. We all were. But the vacation was good in the end. 

When we came back my Gp send me with urgency to the Lucas Andreas hospital where I had to stay for some days. After several punctions that were not succesful they removed one of my glands. It could still be an infection. But in retrospect I think if they had to put money on it, they would root for cancer. After about two weeks the word was out: lymph node cancer. They told me that it was relatively good news. This is the 'best' type of cancer you can get. And they were afraid for methastized muscle or thymus cancer. That would have been very bad.

After one week more they told me it was Hodgkin's disease. From all lymph node cancers the 'best' type you can get. With a heavy chemo (beacopp escalated) there is a 90% chance of getting better. 

I like to think that my chances are even better because I am relatively young, have good blood values, am relatively fit and do not have diabetes or anything. 

In the end, well fuck, I got cancer... Shit.... On good days I try to see as a sabbatical. On bad days I try to get past the days, hours. 

I'll be back. Better than before.

More later. 

three concerts

I have some time again.

And I was at two concerts last week and tonight I will go to Martin Fondse at the Kring in Amsterdam.

Last week I went to Guy and Roni in Amstelveen, their last show. There was a lot going 'round about this show so I wanted to check it out. The music by David Dramm I enjoyed very much, and the playing Monica Germino, Anne LaBerge and Tomoko Mukaiyama was great.

Saturday I went to de Zaterdagmatinee at the Amsterdam Concertgebouw. I didn't expect too much, it being at the Concertgebouw, tiny seats, you have to be quiet, etc. But it was a great concert by the Musikfabrik. They played a program about virtuosity. A concept that didn't mean anything. What I heard was a program with a variety of works that were all played extremely well and with great passion. I didn't care too much for the Paganini which, I guess, was in the program because of the concept, but other than that, it was great.

I came in the first place for Anthony Fiumara's new piece for string quartet. Very minimal, with a clear form and story. The piece was original and I believe that Fiumara will be around for a long time if he keeps writing pieces like this. I loved it.

Ligeti's piano concerto was unbelievable. Wow, what a piece. I think I heard this before, but this time it left un everlasting impression on me.

There was also an ensemble piece by Lachenmann. I am not sure what I thought of this, but I was comfortable and at ease. I just let everything come over me. And that was the experience... almost zen-like.

And of course: On Jimmie Yancey by Andriessen. I heard this many times before. A fantastic piece, one of the Dutch high lights in the repertoire. Musikfabrik plays very well, but I do miss the Volharding a little bit in this case :-)

Einaudi II

Unless I get in another Uber taxi with an Einaudi lover, ...

...I will not write about him again after this:
________________________________
Again. I got in an Uber taxi and I heard some piano chords that sounded terribly familiar. I asked the driver who it was.

Ludovico Einaudi, yet again....

Now I told him about my experience from last week right away (http://tinyurl.com/pbqgt4n). Again I asked the driver why he liked this music. It gave him tranquility. He said he drives 80 hours a week and he needs something to make him quiet, something to separate him from the unrest around him. Something that not stimulates him too much, but just makes his mind calm down.

Although this man was not so philosophical as the driver from last week, there were 2 (!) Einaudi lovers in one week in my taxi. And he gave more or less the same reason for loving the music of Einaudi.
He also plays a bit of piano and loves classical music. We started to discuss music in general and came to the conclusion that Einaudi might be good for people to enter the world of classical music that is not Mozart or Brahms. I hope they evolve and discover other music. Music that does move you, in some way, or tells you a story, or whatever.... But music that does something and is not merely grey-ish wallpaper.

I cannot imagine that one would still listen to Einaudi, even to relax or meditate, once you've heard Reich or Glass.

Einaudi

I was in an uber taxi some days ago...

... and the driver and I got to talk. The guy was about 25 years old and seemed very sympathetic. At some point I asked him if he was interested in music. He told he went through a life changing event 12 months ago. I asked him what it was. He said it was the discovery of Einaudi's music. I didn't want to tell him my opinion just yet and asked him what compelled him about this music. He told me that it was the lack of emotion of the music. It didn't impose feeling on him. Einaudi's music enhanced his own emotion.
I love the explanation. Although I do not like Einaudi's music at all, the definition gave me chills.
Later on I told him what I think about this music. I guess one the reasons I do not like this music at all, is the absolute lack of feeling in it. The same reason he loves it.
He was surprised but also very open. I gave him a list of 'homework'. Composers like Glass, Reich and even Nyman.

This man went through a very important life event because of this music. Music that I consider to be the musical equivalant of a MacDonalds hamburger. No nutritional value whatsoever, and you're hungry again after five minutes.

Intriguing....

(Sorry for the typos)

Agenda updated until March